


let me walk to the bright place, leave the light on

by inmylife



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Family, Foster Care, Gen, and hes been through a lot, bugi is real shy in this one, but it's okay because he's happy in the end, sort of hurt/comfort in later sections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 12:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15751863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inmylife/pseuds/inmylife
Summary: how do you measure a year in the life?(or: the thing about change is, it sneaks up on you.)





	let me walk to the bright place, leave the light on

**Author's Note:**

> !! i deleted this by accident and am posting it again, so if you feel like you've already seen this that's why. it doesn't violate the TOS as far as i know? if it does then my account will be locked so. u know. this will be why if u dont ever hear from me again lol 
> 
> title is from nu'est w's deja vu.
> 
> i am going to come out right now and say that i don't have firsthand knowledge of foster care, i know what my mom mentions from her job as a therapist and research i've done for another series of mine, and i did also check a few things for this fic specifically - but some things just can't be found through google. if anything is wrong, please let me know so i can edit accordingly, and more importantly learn.
> 
> that said, i did draw a lot from myself for his experiences with just loneliness and not fitting and not feeling like he deserves anything, because i struggled a lot socially in high school (and probably will continue to in college) and i've always wanted close irl friends who i feel comfortable talking about my problems to and being myself around so in that sense parts of this are personal to me as well.
> 
> other people: write what you know  
> me: write what you don't know but want to read and make sure you learn along the way  
> so yeah if i need to be educated please effin educate me ok

he wakes up and his chest is tight. this is not a new feeling.

nightmares are nothing new for him and have always been, even before, because he was just an anxious child. now, though, at fifteen, his nightmares aren't only about getting lost and abandoned but also about the feeling of  _hands hands hands_ in places where other people's hands should not be.

there are some things jonghyun knows about himself and this is one of them: he is too much. if he burdens this family enough, he will get moved, because that is what's happened so many times before; this is why he cannot wake them up. there's still a part of him that associates touch with love, even after the dreams that leave his breaths short and choke half-lived sobs out of his throat, but that part is small and squashed by the dreams and by the fear of being too much. sugeun and youngja are nice, better than most sets of foster parents he's had, but if he wakes them up and they  _do not want to be woken_ it could be what sends him away. it's only been a few days. 

he misses chaewon and donghyun. he'd never had to wake them up when he was with them - they had this odd, psychic ability to know when to check on him. and they would hold him. and tell him that he was okay. and he was loved. 

of course, that was before the nightmares were what they are today. 

and before chaewon getting sick, as well, before her kidneys failed and they didn't have the time or money or health to raise a child, before the adoption papers freshly delivered from his social worker were shoved in the bottom drawer of donghyun's desk.

he has nothing to hold on to, so he holds his pillow tight to his chest and cries into it as quietly as he can, so he doesn't wake anyone up.

* * *

 school is a sport, and he's not good at sports, but then again he's not very good academically either. (there's not much he's good at.) 

he has been through a number of schools, and he's left and come back in the case of a few, but pleiades high school is entirely new to him. it's a huge school with a complicated layout that  _seems_ simple but  _isn't._ he manages not to get lost and get everywhere on time, which is good, but it also forces him to introduce himself as the  _new kid._ he hates introducing himself because everyone's eyes are on him and he feels a little like there are floodlights trained on him every second there's sound coming out of his mouth.

there is nothing remarkable about math. there is nothing remarkable about korean lit. in his chemistry class, ms. hong doesn't make him introduce himself and his seatmate is a pretty, quiet girl who smiles at him encouragingly. (in his chemistry class, there is also a terrifyingly handsome ice-king boy who raises his eyebrows skeptically at the new addition, and jonghyun would be lying if he said he wasn't scared.) his korean hist teacher is funny. lunch is loud and the lights are too bright, and he sits alone at the end of a table of probably-jocks who don't seem to notice he's there, and that's fine. he likes it that way. japanese is scary because it's the only class he does well in (actually, he's ahead of the other sophomores in it, and was placed in a level four class full of juniors and seniors) and he doesn't want to disappoint mr. lee, who he can already tell is easygoing. the older students in the class seem unimpressed that someone  _younger_ has joined their ranks, and he's afraid to even sit down. there is nothing remarkable about the rest of the day.

* * *

 a trademark of sugeun and youngja's house is that they eat dinner together around the kitchen table, every night without fail. there are some things that are non-negotiable, and this is one of them. he doesn't dislike it. it's food, and even though sometimes the food is weird recipes youngja has fished out of a cookbook most of the time it's good food, and to be completely honest it's the least of the things he's had to do to stay in good graces with foster parents over the years. 

the only problem is, he's expected to talk about his day. 

for yewon, the other foster kid, who is eleven, this is not a problem. if jonghyun had to describe yewon in five syllables, he would describe her as follows: a ray of sunshine. yewon has been with sugeun and youngja for three years, which is longer than jonghyun has stayed with any of his foster families ever, and has many friends at school, and loves to talk. jonghyun, on the other hand, has lived in this house for a week, and doesn't really do anything except play pokemon on his ipod when he's left alone.

yewon could and would talk forever, given the opportunity, but around halfway through dinner sugeun abruptly turns and asks, "jonghyun, is there anything you could tell us about your day?"

"uh... we learned about auxiliary verbs in japanese class."

"is it hard?" sugeun presses. 

"not really." he pushes out a smile. "they're hard to explain, though."

"ah." youngja nods and for a moment he feels like he can exhale because the conversation involving him is over. but then she asks, "have you made any friends yet?"

this question makes him nauseous with anxiety, but he  _cannot let that show._ as badly as he wants to run to his bedroom, he grips the sides of his chair tight with his hands and takes a deep breath and non-answers with "it's only been six days."

yewon interjects. "youngja, i want to do singing club. my friend sungyeon is in singing club, please? can i?"

thank god for yewon.

"maybe if you joined a club you would find people to talk to?"

or not.

"yeah," he finds himself saying, despite having no intention of joining a club.

* * *

 when he gets back his first korean lit test of the year, he refuses to look at the grade until he gets to his room. he has always done terrible in school, except for japanese, and that's only because he's watched so much anime over the years japanese is almost second nature to him. he does study, most of the time, but taking tests his anxiety always gets the better of him and everything flies out of his head. and by everything, he means everything. 

he gets a forty-six on that test. 

he has a panic attack. 

like the nightmares, these are common, although they aren't daily like the nightmares are. he has to be careful about how he handles them. he'd had a period in middle school where he would hyperventilate so hard he'd pass out, which had been interesting to say the least. thankfully that doesn't happen anymore, but sometimes he'll throw up from anxiety. this is easy to mask at sugeun and youngja's, because one of his chores here is taking out the trash and so he always makes sure to put a plastic bag in the trash can. there is also a bathroom adjacent to his room that's his own, so he can wash things off if he needs to.

he'd tried. he'd really tried hard. he doesn't know why he keeps trying, because nothing ever goes right for him, and tests are no exception, but he keeps at it anyway out of some blind hope that someday all that information might actually stay in his head. he cries over the sink while rinsing out the trash can and has to put his hands on the cold ceramic rim to steady himself. 

sugeun and youngja can't know. not about the forty-six, and not about the panic attacks. 

he goes downstairs and watches spongebob squarepants with yewon. his hands are still shaking.

* * *

 there are a number of reasons why he won't join a club, even though he told sugeun and youngja that he would.

1\. he does not want to introduce himself to new people. they probably wouldn't like him anyway.

2\. it's already november, there's no point in not being there for the whole year.

3\. he doesn't even know what he'd join.

so, instead, he walks around the grounds for half an hour until he finally comes upon this hidden section of grass between the theatre's back exit and the band room. there's brick wall almost all around him, so no one can see him. it's calm and quiet there, it's nice.

for a few days, he's content to just sit there and recharge - people are tiring, they're exhausting, and the more time he gets to himself the less anxious he is - but eventually he gets bored, and he doesn't want to ruin this calm place by thinking too much, so he decides he's going to learn how to dance. he finds mirrored practices of idol group choreographies on youtube and picks one at random. after two hours, three days a week, he walks back to the house.

* * *

 every time he gets back a test, he has to hold the panic in until the end of the day when he can get to his quiet place and let it out in the privacy between the walls. they're getting worse, if that's even possible. logically, he knows that the thing to do is to ask for help. a teacher, maybe, or his nice seatmate from chemistry, or even sugeun and youngja. in practice, he could never. he doesn't want to impose.

it's just that one day he gets a twenty-one on a korean hist test and starts shaking like a leaf - he's used to trembling but he recognizes, in an out-of-body sort of way, that  _damn this is a lot,_ and the tears come to his eyes a lot quicker than he's used to and he's thankful that he sits in the back corner of the classroom where nobody ever looks at him and he stares down at the frayed threads in his jeans and blinks the tears out.

it takes him a minute to collect himself, once the bell rings. everyone's cleared out and there isn't a class in this room fifth period so it's just him and the teacher and he's almost ready to get up and leave when mr. jung speaks up. 

"i know you're trying, jonghyun. it's okay." 

he finally understands why people call startled-shock the "deer in the headlights" look because he freezes and he  _feels_ his eyes widen. if he were someone else, he might have laughed. "i-"

"you can eat your lunch in here, if you want. i don't mind."

this comes out of the blue, it's unexpected but he realizes it's a kindness, because this means he won't have to squish himself onto the edge of that table of basketball players anymore. 

"thanks," he breathes, and sits back down, and reaches in his bag for his lunchbox.

* * *

 "for the next week, you guys will be working on a packet," says ms. hong in chemistry. "you should all partner up with someone and work on it at the lab tables."

he hates this part. no one ever wants to partner with him and it's just embarrassing when he has to wait for the teacher to ask who else doesn't have a partner and make the match herself. he hunches in on himself a little, and winces, and waits. 

except then someone asks, "do you want to be my partner?" 

it's his seatmate. nayoung. she's quiet and smart but popular, is what he's learned, and he has no idea why she's asking him when he knows that the other nayoung, sohee, and heehyun are all in this class and she would probably rather partner with one of them. 

but it'll save him the embarrassment, at least.

"yeah," he answers. "thanks."

nayoung is good at chemistry, and seems to have caught onto the fact that jonghyun is very bad at it and explains the problems to him. it's not everything he needs to know, but it helps, enough so he at least has a grasp on what they're supposed to be doing even though he doesn't know how. nayoung, thankfully, also doesn't mind doing all the work, because it's not like jonghyun is any good at it, and talks through the problems out loud so that it looks like they're doing something, and ignores how jonghyun looks two tables away towards the intimidating ice king boy every few minutes.

things really could be worse.

* * *

 nothing good lasts and nothing every goes right for him.

he gets his worst grade on a japanese test ever, a d plus, halfway through december and when he sees the grade he inhales loudly and the junior in front of him, a girl named kaeun, turns around to give him a quizzical look. 

the thing is, in another class a d plus would be welcome. but in japanese, for him a typically b subject, it's on the same level as that eighteen he got in math a week ago. he can't make himself pay attention at all the rest of the class and can only focus on not completely breaking down. when the class finishes, he bolts to the bathroom around the corner. 

"you okay?" 

he registers that there's a person there, but he can't do anything about it because he's hyperventilating and voiced huffs of air are coming out of his throat like he's crying except without the tears and he is  _so so nauseous_ but he can't throw up, not here, at school with someone _w_ _atching him_. this other person? is a problem for future jonghyun. right now all he can do is let the panic attack run its course and deal with the person when it's done.

the other person doesn't say anything until he's mostly calmed down, at which point he recognizes the guy as aron from japanese. aron doesn't ask if he's okay again, either. he asks, "what class do you have next?"

"g-gym," jonghyun forces out, still breathing like he's just come from gym class instead of currently cutting it.

"come to my free period with me? i just go to the senior caf, you can sleep." that sounds really appealing right now. panic attacks always leave him exhausted. 

"thanks," he whispers. 

"no problem," aron responds. "you're so good at japanese, by the way, your accent is so natural, like what the heck? my korean isn't even that good." 

he laughs, partially because aron made a good joke and partially to distract from the fact that he's almost certainly blushing. 

aron prattles until they reach the senior caf, which is a smaller cafeteria reserved for - you guessed it - seniors only. free periods are another privilege reserved for seniors, and aron's free period must not have a lot of other people in it because the senior caf is empty when they walk in. he sits at one of the high tables next to aron, who says, "i'm pretty sure we have the same lunch period, too. fifth, right? you can sit with me then if you want, too."

he says thanks again and then lets himself fall asleep. he doesn't take aron up on his offer right away, he waits a week, and even then it was only because mr. jung had a sub and he didn't want to explain why he wasn't going to lunch with the rest of the class. aron's easy to find, and when he sees jonghyun approaching quietly he smiles wide and pulls up a chair next to himself and doesn't say anything to the other seniors at the table, just gives them a look that says something like _don't question it, he's with me._ he doesn't make jonghyun talk. 

he sits with them every day after that.

* * *

 choi minki and kang dongho are the type of people where someone would have to be mad not to have noticed them. they are weird. they are a weird friendship, and they are the kind of people who stand out. 

minki has long blond hair, uses makeup, does his nails, and has done drag at least once during the school year. kang dongho is all muscle and is on the kumdo team. and, somehow, they are the best of friends. no one knows why, but everyone wants to.

jonghyun is waiting in his hiding place after school one day, he's only been there a few minutes, when dongho pokes his head around the corner and into the space and jonghyun startles.  _what? no. he isn't supposed to be here._

"oh my god, don't do it like that, dongho, you're scary, you'll scare him," hisses minki, before his blond head pops into view. "sorry about him. we noticed you always come in here and we were wondering if you wanted to hang out in the dressing rooms with us? backstage of the theatre."

jonghyun blinks. why would they want him to hang out with them? 

he's pretty sure the answer is something like, pity. 

"come on. i've been dying to complain about dongho to someone, and it's no fun complaining about him to him because he just punches me." dongho proceeds to do exactly that, lightly, on minki's upper arm. "ow. see?"

this is a flimsy excuse and is not the real reason. minki could complain about dongho to anyone. jonghyun just stares at them. 

"nah? that's okay," minki shrugs, and it's flippant, which means that he isn't really okay with the outcome but he's not going to make jonghyun come out and say no, and he's not going to pressure him to say yes either. "come on, dongho. you know where to find us if you change your mind." 

and then they leave. 

stupid, he's so _stupid_ , because he does want friends, doesn't he? he does, he does want someone to talk to or at least talk to him, he's sick of being alone all the time, and aron and nayoung are _something_ but friends? no. and here was an opportunity for him to  _not_ be alone and he's just thrown it away. (but would they really want to be his friends anyway? he's not that likable. they'd notice that pretty quick.)

he cries. it's not a panicky crying, no, it's the quiet crying like he does after nightmares, sitting on the balls of his feet curled in on himself, head buried in his arms.  _why couldn't he have just gone with them._ this is why he's alone. he messes it up every time. 

"hey, i forgot my - oh." 

dongho's back. he picks up an ID card from off the ground and, as jonghyun watches, head tilted to the side so as to see but vision still blurred, comes to sit next to him. he doesn't say anything. 

the two of them sit, backs against the brick wall, for a little while. it's quiet, except for jonghyun's breaths, irregular and thick with tears. eventually, the crying slows down and he's left with a headache, a salty-wet face, and some confusion. a  _why_ starts to form on his lips, but dongho speaks first. 

"come on," he says, and stands, and gestures that jonghyun should come with. jonghyun stands, still shaky, but follows. 

they stop, quickly, outside the dressing room, in the black backstage where it's dark because december is that odd period between the play and the musical so it's unoccupied, and dongho says into the quiet, "you don't even have to talk or anything. you can ignore us if you want, but we wanted to give you the option to not be alone." 

that's ridiculously kind of them, and jonghyun doesn't know why or how they can offer this to him, and those two sentences are so meaningful he almost starts crying again. it's the most someone his own age has reached out since he can't even remember.

it's bright in the dressing room. minki grins when he sees that jonghyun's come, which is weird, because he doesn't think anyone's been that happy to see him in at least a year and a half. all he says to jonghyun is, "you came!" and then jonghyun sits down at the far end of the dressing room with his bag. he doesn't take anything out, he just listens. 

"now, dongho," minki continues, picking up from some earlier conversation, probably, "you've seen my lady gaga impression. but have you seen my lady gaga impression of poker face?"

"don't do this, minki, god..." sighs dongho. minki stands suddenly and dramatically, holds his fist in front of his mouth like a microphone, and begins thrusting his hips back and forth. and then, he starts to sing. 

it's pretty ridiculous, he'll admit. the english is garbled and the lyrics are probably wrong, but minki looks like he thinks he's onstage without taking himself too seriously. 

"minki... minki, i'm really bad at english but i'm pretty sure it's not supposed to sound like that." dongho buries his head in his hands. 

it makes jonghyun want to smile.

so he lets himself.

* * *

semester grades get given out the beginning of january. 

his are bad.

very bad.

he'd been expecting this but his stomach still drops and so instead of going back to the house or to the dressing rooms that day he walks to the empty playground four blocks from the house, strangely calm the entire time with an odd feeling like maybe the world has just ended but he wouldn't notice if it did, he's just numb. and when he gets to the playground he climbs up as high as he can, to the top of the highest slide, and just sits there, knees pulled up to his chest, head leaning back against the plastic-metal siderails, and thinks. 

well, he can't show that to sugeun and youngja. it's not only that he's just sick of moving anymore, because of course that's always a fear, but it's that he doesn't want to leave  _here._ sugeun and youngja are nice, compared to plenty of other foster parents he's had, and yewon is sweet and sometimes he lets himself laugh at the things she does when he's alone, and he has minki and dongho who've reached out to him and who he's slowly getting comfortable enough with to participate in their conversations sometimes, and then there's aron, who's becoming something he wouldn't quite call a friend, but he's someone who whispers the occasional joke to jonghyun in japanese class and who talks to him during lunch and not-so-subtly checks to make sure he's eating, and he doesn't want to lose this place because he still feels like a fake, different from everyone else, but he's certainly not as alone as he was in november and he's selfish and doesn't want to give that up. if sugeun and youngja see how bad he's done, he'll be out for sure. 

for a while, it's like he can't cry. it's like he's too sad to. or like the tears are collecting into a cloud somewhere behind his eyes, waiting to condense into thunderheads. there's nothing but him and this deep, all-consuming sadness hollowing him out inside.

he wonders if it would be easier if he just disappeared. everyone just tolerates him, anyway; they feel like they should keep him around, and he keeps burdening them because he's never had someone keep him around before, and he's selfish, and he wants that. but do they care? would they, if he just left one day?

this, this is when the tears fall. it's a new type of tears for him, loud crying, desperate sobs, because it's not like he feels alone anymore (well, he still does, always, but not as much), it's that he has something to grasp onto and he doesn't want anyone to take that away, and it feels like his fate's been sealed. it's time for another start. 

he doesn't know how long he cries, only that it's dark by the time he's all cried out and just as he's taking a few deep breaths to try and prepare himself to go home, someone asks if he's okay. 

"what?" 

his voice is hoarser and weaker than he wants it to be. he wants to sound okay.

the person comes into view and it's hwang minhyun, the ice king from chemistry class, looking very handsome and very concerned. "you look upset. what's wrong?"

"uh," says jonghyun eloquently. 

minhyun looks around and his eyes land on the crumpled report card hovering near the edge of the slide. "is it about your grades?"

jonghyun exhales. fuck, he thought he was done crying... he buries his head in his arms again. if minhyun sees - 

the other boy's taken the paper and uncrumpled it. jonghyun wants to hide. it's one thing to know he's doing bad in school - for someone else to see it is absolutely another. before he even realizes what he's doing he's reaching over and tearing the paper away. 

"i could tutor you," minhyun offers. 

"what?" why is that all he can say? he sounds like an idiot, minhyun's going to just leave soon. 

"i mean, we have chemistry together. and i'm in honors for lit and hist, and i'm in precalc for math. i know this. the only thing i can't help you in is japanese, because i'm only level three, but you seem to have that covered." 

jonghyun laughs hoarsely. "you'd really...?" 

minhyun shrugs. "if you want to. you haven't already asked anyone, have you?"

he shakes his head. of course not.

"okay, then. are you free after school?" 

after school is his time with minki and dongho. they are the closest thing he has to friends. if he leaves them, they might not reach out again. 

but if he gets his grades up, he might not have to get moved. he has to weigh the scale and at the end of the day, right now he just wants to stay in one place. 

"yeah, i am."

he gives minhyun his phone number, and then minhyun offers to walk him home.

minhyun talks a lot as they walk the four streets over to sugeun and youngja's house, mostly about times and scheduling for studying but also a little bit about transformers. he reads comic books. minhyun, who's handsome and popular and smart and unapproachable, has a lot of feelings about optimus prime. it makes him that much less scary.

he leaves jonghyun at the front porch, but not before smiling gently and promising to text him later. it doesn't feel real. 

when he opens to the door, he's rushed. "where were you? are you alright? we were so worried," fusses youngja. she doesn't  _seem_ angry. 

"just at the playground," he answers quietly. in retrospect, running off and not coming back was a bad idea. he could get in trouble... "i'm sorry for not telling you."

"no, we aren't angry," she reassures him quickly. "we just want to know you're alright, jonghyun, that's what's important." 

he isn't sure how to respond to that, but thankfully he doesn't have to, because then yewon barrels into the living room from the kitchen and wraps her arms around his waist. 

she's hugging him. 

it hits him right then just how long it's been since he's been held. he feels his face scrunch up, and he's sure sugeun and youngja are probably looking, but he hugs yewon back.

* * *

 the next day, when jonghyun goes to sit with aron and his friends at lunchtime, aron stands up when he sees jonghyun walking in. jonghyun freezes. has he done something wrong? can he not sit with them anymore? 

"your friend got my phone number last night," aron says, ignoring moonkyu and hyelin, who seem to want something from him, and are yelling from the table. "said we should all eat together?"

"friend?" 

"min-something. min...hyun? minhyun. yeah, minhyun."

why would minhyun want to eat lunch with them? why would he go out of his way to text aron? 

"where - are we going somewhere?" 

"to the theatre. with your other friends." aron blinks, taking note of jonghyun's confusion. "did you not know about this?" 

jonghyun shakes his head. "i don't know what this is about." 

"do you want to stay here?" aron tilts his head back towards his table. 

"we can go," says jonghyun doubtfully. "i mean... if you want to stay..."

"let's go," aron decides. "i need a break from taehyun and hyeran, they're in love and i'm sick of it." jonghyun spares a glance back at the almost-couple deliberately pretending not to watch each other and hums because it's something to add to the conversation. 

minki, dongho, and minhyun are already there when they arrive. "it's a party!" minki exclaims. "five whole people. emperor minhyun, why did you grace us with your presence? and invite these two?"

"emperor minhyun?" repeats minhyun, dubious. he raises one eyebrow. "what's  _that_ supposed to mean?"

"it means you're our supreme overlord, fat-head, you heard him," dongho tells him from where he's sitting on the makeup counter. "'sup, you two. sit down and eat lunch."

* * *

march swings around and, by then, he's comfortable calling the five of them his friends. he can laugh around them. and, eventually, talk. slowly, though - it starts with just a conversation about gaming with minhyun and jonghyun accidentally spilling out all of the information and opinions he's held inside for ages. once he realizes how long he's talked, he clams up, but minki clamors for more. 

"it's okay," minki promises. "you weren't boring or anything. it was kind of interesting. and besides, you listen to me ramble about my cat every other day, so i'm in no place to judge you." 

"but i've seen pictures of your cat," aron counters. "she's cute. justified to ramble about. has nothing on my dog, but still." 

before minki and aron can get into another argument, minhyun says, "tell us more about pokemon, please?"

other times, he mentions the house. usually it's about yewon and something silly she did. yewon's a good kid, and he likes her, and he'll miss her when he leaves. once he mentioned learning the dances on his phone.

march makes five months since he's started at this school. it's by far not the longest he's stayed anywhere, but it's not the shortest either, and his grades are getting better with minhyun's help (and occasional assistance from aron), so he starts to worry about being moved a little less. the fear's always there, though. it compounds. 

"are you alright? you seem kind of off," minki asks. 

jonghyun pulls into himself a little bit. "it's nothing."

"you can talk to us," dongho assures him. "it won't bother us or anything."

"i - i just -" 

he looks up. they're paying attention to him. they look worried. 

"what happens when i get moved?" they know he's in foster care, he's mentioned getting bounced around a few times, they know it's why he's been to so many schools. it's not that out of the blue of a question. "i - i mean. like. if i have to change schools." he clenches his jaw because his chin is trembling and he's starting to breathe hard. 

"we'll stay in touch," aron promises. "we have the group chat. it's not the same if one of us isn't here. we'll talk." dongho nods in assent. "you'll still have us." jonghyun's starting to tear up. aron pulls him close and wraps him in a hug. "you can cry," the older boy murmurs. "it's alright."

jonghyun lets out a sob. then he's full-on crying into aron's shirt, probably ruining it, but he thinks aron might not care. 

"we'll care about you no matter what," minhyun adds from next to them, as he reaches over to rub jonghyun's back. "no matter where you are, we'll always be friends, the five of us."

"even when aron goes to college," minki adds. "we'll annoy him through the group chat every day."

* * *

 a few days a week, after school, he and minhyun study somewhere. sometimes in the library. sometimes in the dressing room with the others providing sarcastic commentary, especially when the subject is korean lit, which minki especially hates. it's nice. he has friends, which is what sugeun and youngja wanted from him anyway when they told him to join a club, and aron tells him at one point that he seems more confident than before. 

he thinks so too.

he doesn't see any point in trying to actually join a club, because march is coming to a close and the year is winding down, but his friends don't seem to agree. dongho, of all people, is especially militant about it, and that's how jonghyun finds himself hesitating outside the door of the gaming club one friday. he didn't even know they  _had_ a gaming club. 

"new?" asks someone, a boy who's in jonghyun's gym class but because that class is huge he doesn't actually know his name. "it's okay, new people are always welcome!" he smiles. jonghyun closes his eyes for a second, to steady himself, and follows him in. 

the other boy's name, he finds out, is taeyong, and he's in jonghyun's grade, and he invites jonghyun to play the cauldron game on a pc with him.  they make some small talk while they're setting up the game, and that's how jonghyun learns taeyong is on the dance team. 

in the middle of the game, taeyong also lets slip that "i hate this section, it makes my anxiety really bad," and then he freezes for a second. 

"yeah," says jonghyun. "me too." not about the game. he's pretty sure taeyong knows what he means, because the other boy gifts him a shy smile.

he leaves with a smile on his face and an open invitation from taeyong to come to the dance team's next practice.

* * *

 "it's just to check it out," he'd said. "in case you want to join next year." 

jonghyun did not tell taeyong that he wasn't sure if he'd be there next year. of course, it becomes more and more likely the more he grows into himself and the longer he stays that he will. but there's always that fear there.

he'd gone. it had taken some convincing from minki, but he's here, watching a routine. nayoung from chemistry is there. when he'd walked in, she'd smiled at him, and he'd waved back. it felt nice.

"you said you might want to join, right?" pesters a freshman whose face reminds jonghyun of a hamster. "you should dance for us!"

"oh, i don't know..." he says, backing towards the door a little. he's not very good, only knows what he's learned in his bedroom.

but taeyong nods encouragingly, and nayoung smiles again, so he plugs his phone into the aux cord and picks a song he knows the routine for and starts. 

he goes into a different place in himself when he dances. it's a place where he isn't as anxious, sometimes not even anxious at all. he can hide behind it, sure, but also it's the first way he learned to express himself, months and months back in the tiny green space behind the school. 

"you're sure you've never had professional training," says one of aron's friends, flabbergasted, when he finishes. 

jonghyun shakes his head and grabs his wrist with one hand, shifting his posture back and forth. 

"well," seulgi says. she'll be the captain next year. "if you want a place on the team next year, it's yours." 

it's been a long time since he's been able to imagine a future in one place, an immediate future, but he thinks here, he can. next year, he'll join the gaming club and the dance team, and he'll eat lunch with dongho and minhyun and minki in the dressing room and they'll facetime aron in new york to annoy him. 

he has something to look forward to.

* * *

 a few nights later, he wakes up from a nightmare and goes to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. it helps, a little, to bring him back to himself and remind him that he's not  _there,_ he's  _here._

yewon's awake, too, a glass of water in hand. they meet eyes for an awkward second before jonghyun turns and heads back to his room. 

the next day is saturday and he sits at the table eating yogurt across from sugeun eating cereal when yewon comes in. "jonghyun," she asks, "why were you awake last night?"

"you were up last night?" sugeun asks. his eyebrows pull close together like they do when he's worried. 

he steels himself. okay, time to take a risk. 

aron had said he should talk to them about his nightmares and the panic attacks. jonghyun wants to stay here. he doesn't want to get moved. 

but he's come to realize that maybe sugeun and youngja might not make him leave just because he has nightmares. they're nice that way. not everyone has been, before.

"i, uh, yeah. i had... a bad dream," he says, not meeting sugeun's eyes and fidgeting. 

"does that happen a lot?" 

"...yeah." 

what he's expecting to happen is for sugeun to pick up the phone and call his social worker. what he's not expecting to happen is for sugeun to put down his cereal spoon and ask, "do you think it would help to see a therapist?"

* * *

 his therapist's name is soohye. he likes her because, on the first day, after she'd been given the rundown by sugeun and youngja, she'd told him to talk about whatever made him comfortable, and he'd talked about video games for the entire hour, and that was fine by her. other times, he'll talk about anime, or occasionally the dance team or his friends. it takes a few sessions for him to talk about the heavy stuff, and mostly that's just for a little bit before he gets anxious and switches back to something safer. at first he was self-conscious about talking about himself the entire time, but then she reminded him that she gets paid to listen to him talk about himself, it's her job, so he doesn't worry as much after that.

she's a good listener. his friends have offered advice about the anxiety before, but most of it's been clumsy because they'd found a lot of it on the internet. soohye has an entire degree on what to say when he talks about having panic attacks. she talks him through breathing techniques and grounding, stuff his friends had found for him but had never explained very well, in a way that makes genuine sense. he uses one of them once, and it helps. just a little, but it does. he tells her this the next week and she says she's proud of him. 

he's kind of proud of himself as well. 

* * *

the house down the street has been for sale since he's started living with sugeun and youngja and there's one week of school left and someone's finally moving in. he was planning to walk over to minhyun's, and looks over at the moving van curiously. the door opens and a toddler bursts out of it, shouting. he smiles a little bit. cute.

but then her mother steps out of the car. she's blonde. "haeunnie!"

he knows that voice. 

that's chaewon. 

oh god.

_they said they couldn't have kids they said they couldn't have kids did they just want him to leave_

he feels like the world's been grabbed out from under him. he feels... betrayed, maybe. that's not quite right, but it's close. 

_they lied to him_

he manages to text minhyun that he isn't coming over, and then he turns around to go home. (it's become home. when?) he is going to hide under his covers and cry. 

_it's not fair_

"jonghyun!" 

he freezes. turns around slowly, eyes still full of devastated tears, body still in flight mode. 

"jonghyun, oh god, jonghyun..." 

chaewon runs towards him in a moment that gives him tunnel vision. she stops just short of him, blinking, like she's not sure if what she's seeing is real. he isn't sure either. 

"you got thin again," she whispers, and then she hugs him. 

he's crying, and it takes a moment for him to notice that she's crying too. he's taller than her now.  

"i'm sorry," she gasps out over and over again. "i'm sorry."

* * *

 haeun turns out to be their niece whose parents had been in an accident a few months before. it was sudden. they were getting used to the idea of being parents again. they had said that if he wanted they could start filling out the forms. they'd kept the papers. 

it's a lot to take in. it's almost too much. he goes home and he buries himself under the blankets like he'd been wanting to do for the past hour. and he thinks. 

he could go back with them, if he wanted. that  _is_ what he wanted, for the long two years since. he could go back to them and not have to change schools, not have to leave his friends, not have to start over. 

but is that what he wants now? he's grown attached to this room, with its yellow paint and sloping ceiling, and he'd miss yewon. and he's starting to talk to sugeun and youngja more. they're maybe not people he thinks of as parents, but they're adults he thinks he can trust. and they have different ways of showing it than donghyun and chaewon did, but he's starting to realize they care.

the door creaks open. it's yewon. she peeks through the crack. 

"you can come in," he says. 

she climbs onto his bed, hesitantly, and lies down next to him, snuggling up. this is the first time she's done this. "you were upset when you came back inside." 

he breathes out. "the family moving in down the street. i used to live with them." 

"mm," says yewon. 

"they were gonna adopt me but some stuff happened. it's weird to see them again."

yewon just cuddles up closer to him. they stay there for a while, a long time. it's maybe the longest he's heard yewon quiet. 

"jonghyun?" she says into the silence. 

"hmm?" 

"i love you." 

he's heard that from his friends. he'd heard it from chaewon and donghyun before. somehow it feels different coming from her. 

"i love you too." 

he wraps his arms around her, and there they stay.

* * *

he walks to the bus stop in september. it is the first day of school. he is only a little nervous. 

minhyun's sworn to drag him onto the honor roll this year. he'll join the dance team with nayoung and taeyong. aron is miles away at college, but their group chat is alive. he's still seeing soohye every week. he'd had a couple of nights over the summer where he'd slept without a nightmare. he has an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about going on anxiety medication. he has two little sisters now in yewon and haeun. he has a family. he's going to stay where he is. no more moving. 

and, he realizes, walking to the bus stop that tuesday, only a little chilly and leaves just starting to turn colors, that he's okay. 

he'd even go so far as to say he's happy. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> chaewon, donghyun, and soohye are youtubers from the variety show lan cable life where jr is a mc.
> 
> i deliberated over posting this for a LONG while, almost didn't, accidentally deleted it anyway, considered not posting it again, and then i sent it to ted aka sokdzin and she pestered me (and threatened to post it for me) so now here we are.
> 
> this was my first time doing a proper hs au, writing a long single-post fic, and writing in the ao3 text editor instead of docs. hope yall are proud of me this is character development
> 
> the ending, by the way, is a little ambiguous. in my drafts of this, he explicitly ended back with dh+cw, but as i was writing it didn't feel right by the end so you can interpret who he's with however you want.
> 
> find me on tumblr at 00seoryoungs!


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